Counseling for the True Healing
of a Marriage that Hurts

A lot of marriages encounter difficulties, whether it is sailing through on its first year, or it has been in the waters for many decades already. Marital issues can hurt you like no other. They are intense and they can last longer than any other pain you have experienced. It can leave you bitter. It can cause you to avoid places and people that you used to frequent and have fun with. It can haunt you, perpetually asking what you did wrong or what if?

Feeling the pain in your heart, you could be wondering if it is right for people who care about each other to hurt one another. The idealistic answer is no, but you know that it is a realistic thing because you cannot hurt this much if you love your spouse less. The truth is hurting one another happens in ways that can be agonizing, dishonest, cruel, offensive, and more. Your marriage isn’t the only union that experiences this kind of hurt. Many couples are in the same boat.

No matter how important you are to each other, hurting the one you love will happen, even when you don’t intend to. It does not mean that it is the end of your love or that you love each other less. You will disagree, argue, even have verbal tussles or small fights over mundane matters from time to time. That still doesn’t mean your marriage is ‘on the rocks.’

Is Your Marriage ‘On the Rocks?’

Resolving your differences and conflicts require more than talking and compromising. It takes maturity to forgive one another and accept one another’s mistakes. Unfortunately, you cannot guard your responses all the time, especially when you are angry, or you feel like you have been treated badly by the person who is supposed to love and protect you. Just ‘sweeping the issues under the rug’ can be a disaster. Then, one conflict after the other, you discover that it is too late to start all over again.

Despite best efforts, the relationship can still go haywire, not because you were wrong for each other. Your marriage can still be strained, and you can still hurt each other because this is common in a marriage. One thing that you should not ignore are the signs that not all is well on the home front. While it is healthy not to let your emotions become bottled up, it also won’t help if you let your emotions erupt like a volcano.

How do you know if your marriage is in trouble? Very Well Mind offers 5 telling signs:

1. “You are both talking, but not communicating.” Talking is a good thing for any hurting marriage, but not when you hardly understand one another because you are both shouting, or you are talking at the same time. Listening is as important as talking. This is when you get to know each other more and how commitment can be forged.

2. “You no longer respect each other’s opinions and ideas.” Having varied, even clashing opinions is perfectly natural. What matters is you are willing to resolve your issues. If both of you cannot respect your differences, it can hurt your marriage deeply. Unresolved differences can pile up in the long run.

3. “You are spending less time with each other.” When it seems like both of you are enjoying other people’s company better, so that you spend more hours outside than inside your home, you need to take things slowly. Spending a little time with friends is okay. If you are spending more time with friends, you could be disconnected with your spouse.

4. “You are starting to have doubts as to whether you married the right one.” Do you find yourself asking if you are with the right person? Do you see yourself growing old with him/her? If you have very little things you agree with, you should be reassessing your marriage. A marriage counselor can help.

5. “Neither of you are willing to put in extra effort for your marriage to work.” If both of you are not interested in forgiving, meet each other halfway or do things so the other can be happy, you could be heading opposite directions in your marriage. A marriage works when you work on it. You cannot expect it to flourish when you are both unwilling to sacrifice anything.

The Issues to Keep a Watchful Eye On

Where have you and your spouse gone wrong? If your hurt is so intense there seems to be no hope for a second chance, you could be both asking the question, especially if you still love each other. There is actually no one correct answer to the question because each couple is different. Psychology Today author and clinical psychologist Dr. Melanie Greene shares the common issues of marital conflicts in this article:

1. “Lack of trust.” Trust doesn’t grow on trees. It is typically earned, but love has a way of seeing things in a different light, so it can be given spontaneously, without much thought. Through the years, you could change in different ways, so that you may find more reasons to argue about. Infidelity or the tendency to spend more time with others can sow seeds of jealousy and discontent. Committing mistakes and betrayal can kill trust. It can change your values as a couple. Lack of trust can push your spouse away. You need to talk and take a chance again.

2. “Blaming and fixing.” Blaming your spouse can never help your relationship grow. It is a way of saying that you are correct, and he/she is wrong, or that you can do things better. It is an ‘unspoken’ signal that they must ‘shape up’ and fix matters. That doesn’t sound like you are equal or partners. It can be an issue because domestic matters are not that simple. These have the tendency to be multifaceted and complicated. Blaming each other is a kind of negative talk that will most likely result in your issues becoming more confusing. Even when you think you’re right, you must be humble. Can you do this? If you can’t, talk to a counselor.

3. “Criticism and put-downs.” Anger can cause the calmest of people to say the offensive words to ‘even the score’ or hurt the other even more. You could be hitting each other ‘below the belt,’ because that’s the only way for you to feel better. Criticisms hurt, even when they are uttered without the intention to permanently damage one another. At worst, it can inflict harm on your self-esteem, and yes… TRUST. It is important to learn to exercise to exercise tolerance and understanding when you are together. If you both feel that this is just how it is – you very likely need a marriage counselor ASAP.

4. “Emotional distance.” When your bond starts to lose its enthusiasm, you can grow apart, revealing anger, jealousy, and other unpleasant emotions. These can be used as substitutes to the real emotions that you feel inside and want to protect. You do this because you do not want your raw emotions exposed. Misreading your signals, your spouse can protect himself/herself too. To renew your relationship, you must reignite the passion in your love, That can be a real challenge, but nothing is impossible when you are both committed to the process and you find an experienced marriage counselor to guide you through.

Finding Healing in Your Midst

Love is an important ingredient of a lasting marriage, but it cannot be the only component. Your union is like a plant. It requires trust. It must be nurtured for the marriage to grow and flourish. It needs a lot of effort for it to work between the two of you. Love cannot guarantee that it will be 100 percent trouble-free. Like any two people thrown together for many years, you will have your reasons to disagree, argue, even fight. You will most probably hurl words that hurt. You may do things that will offend the other. The end is not a divorce. There is another way out of the hurt – counseling.

Counseling has helped countless marriages work despite the hurt. You need not leave town to meet an unbiased and non-judgmental marriage counselor. There is one that can meet your needs right in your community. A licensed, trained counselor/therapist independently contracted with Carolina Counseling Services – Fuquay-Varina, NC can help you improve your marriage. Rather than withdraw from your spouse, open yourself up. There isn’t any issue that cannot be sorted out and resolved. The process may entail some challenges, especially when pride is so palpable. To heal from hurt and for your marriage to bloom again, let a right fit contracted counselor with CCS – Fuquay-Varina, NC help. Call today!

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